Fear is one of the most impenetrable obstacles between us and the things that would truly make us happy. It is a force that relentlessly exploits every advantage it holds in an effort to cripple and destroy us. I have countlessly taken less when I deserved more, because of fear. You know what? FUCK FEAR. It’s useless. It’s supposed to be a natural human response to danger and death, but all it’s done for me so far is keep me from living. During the past two months, I’ve seen myself at such low points, pits of depression I hadn’t occupied in years. At times, I was overcome by fears I couldn’t beat, and others by the harshness of a reality that I had kept hidden even from myself. It was tough, but I made it through by searching for purpose. I discovered that this painful self-exploration was the herald of my coming entry into a new phase of life.
In the first week of April, I spent a lot of nights reflecting on how I felt about my life. I discovered several aspects in which I needed to grow and pieces of my life that I needed to let go of. There were problems that I never knew I had but could now see as brightly as Justin Bieber’s “Chromemobile”. I could go on about all the fears, self-esteem issues, and repressed feelings I discovered for PAGES, but I won’t. This post instead exists for the purpose of putting forth, in the frame of positivity and empowerment, my intentions to improve my life and sense of self-worth.
For some reason my mind imagined a really JIVE version of Eddie Griffin in a zoot suit, lean-walking over to me and saying, “Sounds really grand, daddyo! Now, what exactly will it take to make this pipedream a reality?” and then “skidaddling” off while scatting. “Skeebopadiddliebum!” Well, Eddie “Jivemaster” Griffin, It might sound crazy, but I’ve realized that the key to my happiness is learning how to be SINGLE. He darts back in front of me from across the room like a TrueBlood vampire and says”What?! How does THAT lead to happiness?” cocking back his right hand to slap me across my face for the stupidity of my last statement. Please don’t slap me… just let me explain! His hand slowly comes back down to his side.
I’ve been single since February 12th, and it’s been a kind of hard and lonely time. I’ve spent too much time dwelling on feelings of loneliness instead of going out and showing off everything that makes me great, and over time, the loneliness manifested into all sorts of fears; Things like “I’ll never be good enough for anyone!” or “What the hell would anyone like about ME!?” It honestly makes me laugh thinking about how depressing that sounds. hahaha I’ve been telling myself LIES like, “I’m not ready to meet anyone new” or “I don’t like grinding with strangers”, basically making excuses to keep myself from having a good time or moving on. It’s so crazy! It’s very clear to me now that I have to stop all that and take responsibility for enjoying my life and attaining happiness! :)
Love in general has caused me a lot of pain recently, probably since I’ve been way too dependent on it. I felt at times that I could only find happiness in love or that my true self was hidden in the heart of a significant other. That’s BULLSHIT. I’m not going to delude myself with that kind of thought anymore. Love isn’t about that. The way I look at it now, you’ve got to have happiness and an idea of who you actually are and what you need from a lover BEFORE you enter into a relationship with anyone. You also have to know what you can give someone else in a relationship. You learn all of this by living right, NOT by loving wrong. Loving someone immensely the wrong way is like practicing something for 8 hours a day the wrong way… you never get better. haha So, that’s the first step in learning how to be single; having more fun and trying out new things! I want to grow as a person and learn from every relationship I have, no matter if it is romantic in nature or strictly platonic. I want to experience the world around me without boundaries or limitation. I guess that means it’s time to start doing what single guys do when they’re 21 and good-looking! ;) The last time I was single was in December of 2007, back when I was a 16 year-old sophomore in HIGH SCHOOL, so it’s been a WHILE. This is definitely something new, but I’m learning more and more about it everyday. I KNOW that if I can simply embrace being single, surrender to the truth of it, and ENJOY IT, this could be an amazing experience. My goal is to discover the BEAUTY of being single :)
“What exactly do you mean by that?” asks the Jivemaster…
I mean that I WILL NOT allow myself to enter into a relationship of ANY LENGTH until February 12, 2013, my one year mark of becoming single. I’m calling this my “Singleversary.” haha Between now and then, I will learn a lot about myself and I plan to write about ALL of my experiences whether they are sexual, romantic, joyful, disappointing, illegal, or anything else they could possibly be, occasionally sharing the ones I feel comfortable with on my blog. This is not some sort of hedonistic “let’s get laid!” endeavor though, and I’m not taking up a “kiss-and-tell” doctrine either… I actually perceive it as a journey of the spirit. My very SOUL feels drained and hungry for change and entertainment :) Through everything I experience, I will develop a new sense of self that provides me with what I need to live a life of happiness. I’ll find new sources of confidence, love, security, and pleasure that I’ll be more in control of… and that will improve the quality of my life :) The ultimate goal of this is to become secure and happy enough by myself that I can effectively love someone else. Sound indirect, doesn’t it, to become better at loving others by abstaining from relationships? Hahaha Well, I have plenty of experience that tells me you can’t learn how to love “on the job.” This is because love isn’t LEARNED. Love is inherent, but must be nurtured… It’s more like a muscle, and there are many ways to work it out! Haha At the moment, being single is a more effective workout than being in a relationship for me.
Until the other night, I saw being single as a punishment or curse. I want to think of being single differently… I want to stop seeing it as the absence of love, and see it more as another type of relationship. Being single is essentially having a relationship with yourself. When you have given yourself away to others for far too long, you have to take some time off and be a little bit more selfish ;) There is nothing to worry about, readers… I’m not suddenly going to become a coke-snorting, prostitute-fucking asshole or give up on all the things I love doing. I actually plan to do them MORE :) I just can’t allow myself to repeat my mistakes or fall into my old patterns. It’s time to live my fucking life. I’m 21, I’m handsome, and it’s time for me to learn what LIFE, LOVE, and HAPPINESS are really about!
And so, I’ll end this with a little thing I learned about love two weekends ago from a very passionate (and attractive) woman :) Love tends to ambush you. That’s just the nature of it… It doesn’t care what you want or need or like… One day, you’re just compelled to love and you can’t help it. I might be single for a year, but that doesn’t mean I won’t fall in love during it or that I won’t find it. All it means is that I won’t go looking for it! haha The way I see it though is that if someone is truly worth being with, they’ll wait for me until the year is over :) My Singleversary is the day after my birthday, so I’m probably going to throw a really big party for it… Yeah, that sounds good. hahaha
– Tommy Maverick